Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Witness Talk on Rest

As you all know, the Bible is living. Every book, every chapter, and every verse are pregnant with meaning. The meaning is very unique to each reader. Not in the sense that the meaning is given BY the person reading it, but that the words themselves are full and overflowing with multiple portions of knowledge that fill us where we are empty. I am sure you all have experienced this phenomenon yourselves. One day you read a verse, and it speaks to you so powerfully and you are forever changed by the wisdom gained, and as time passes, you re-read the same passage only to find that there is more to what you read. There is “another take” on the same passage. A way to see it that you didn’t see before. Well, this happens to me often, and the most recent was with my very own Cursillo weekend verse. I will start with quoting it.
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.
When I attended my weekend, I did not think I needed this encounter. I didn’t feel it necessary. It was just something I did after John attended his weekend. It was a getaway, and John was encouraging me to go, so “why not”?
As I contemplated this verse that would represent my weekend, I was thinking that it had very little significance. I really wasn’t in need of rest. Things were going pretty good actually.
It was not until after the weekend was over that I realized my life was indeed in need of rest. I went through many changes and the Holy Spirit brought forth lots of dark areas in my life that I had pushed aside and left unresolved. As I navigated through the new waters with a fresh perspective, I knew that I had work ahead of me.
Things started happening all at once. There were conflicts under tough scrutiny by me. A true re-evaluation of my life and where it was supposed to be going. Was I truly where God wanted me to be? Was I doing what God wanted me to do? All of these questions and no answers equaled stress and no rest! I sat back and absorbed my special verse and indeed drew closer to Christ to give me the rest I craved. As I prayed for this rest, He sent me people to advise me and comfort me. He sent me prayer warriors to lift me up. He sent me solutions to problems that plagued me. He spoke to me and said “Come to Me”, and as I did just that, He poured out His mercy and grace on me. He poured out His loving kindness and covered me with the blanket of His love. I finally understood what He wanted from me. He wanted me to simply,”Come to Him”. To show up at His door. He had what I needed. He offered rest. I accepted His offer.
After this, I thought I had it figured out. I saw the reason I needed to be at Cursillo that weekend. I saw the need for me to learn to come to Christ. I thought about my future with Christ as I would no longer delay in coming to Him when the burdens of my life overwhelmed me. No longer would I go it alone. No longer would I not ask for rest when I felt I needed it. What a great verse I had discovered. What a great new perspective on dealing with the times when I felt life’s pressure burying me. I would just bring these troubles to my Lord, and He would make them go away for awhile. He would give me the break I needed to rest, before tackling whatever was pressing in on me. Thank you Christ for all of the rest you provided, as I learned more about You and your ways.
As we all know, not all burdens are created equal. Some are here for an hour, some a day, some a lifetime. As I have walked my path with Christ, I have been awakened to this truth. What happens when I need rest, but rest is not possible? I have found this to be so true in the case of our adoption. The ups and downs of our case. The seemingly endless waiting. The day in day out prayers for resolution. The tears, the sadness, the injustice, and the hole in my heart that is just the right size to fit in a tiny little 2 year old girl who waits to come home to her mommy. I know I have gone to Christ for rest during many times throughout these past years of waiting. How often Christ has listened to my whining and crying and mourning. How often has He dried my tears and sent me back out the door to continue walking the walk. How often has He held me for awhile, and then turned me around and said “GO”. It took several times of these encounters with Christ to see that He was treating me differently than He did before. I realized one day that He was not giving me the rest I thought I needed. I guess growing pains are felt just as keenly in spiritual growth as they are in physical growth!
Just a few days ago, Christ awakened in me a new truth about my Cursillo verse. He has been pulling me forward toward this for awhile. He allowed me to see a new meaning to the same words. A more grown-up meaning if you will. First, He still says,”Come to Me”, but not to have him make it all better. Not to have Him remove the burdens of my life, or allow me to sail over them. I need to come to Him to get direction, to let go of everything and commit it all to Him. The “rest” that Christ offers is not putting me to bed and holding my hand and singing me to sleep, but it is getting me out of bed, out of listlessness and exhaustion, and out of my condition of being half dead while I am still alive.(Quoted from My Utmost for His Highest). His rest will sustain me, causing me to stand firm.
I read the other day about two artists who were asked to draw a picture depicting rest. One drew a serene lake in a secluded spot. Free from all distraction. I could just picture this, and really relate to wanting to go there! The other drew a crashing waterfall with a tree standing next to it. In the tree was a bird’s nest, and in it a momma bird with her babies. When evaluated, the first artist’s rendering was determined not to be rest, but stagnation. The second drawing however, was true rest, rest that is not derived from the absence of activity. Hmmm. I am getting a new insight.
So often my circumstances are cause for chaos, not rest. I look for ways to engineer these circumstances so that they cause the least amount of chaos. I sometimes avoid or stop things just to make sure I don’t have certain circumstances to deal with. In my avoidance, I avoid God. I avoid His plans for me. I hinder His ability to orchestrate great things and true growth in me. Jesus never chose His circumstances either. He allowed God the Father to do this. He submitted to the Father’s plan and directions for Him. God made plans, and Jesus, regardless of the circumstances, carried them out. How did He do that???? How can I do this? I know my circumstances are real, and be that as it may, I must maintain complete reliance on God. I must be willing to risk all for His sake. I must trust Him. I must remember that He is with me always, and that He is aware of every circumstance surrounding me, even the ones that I am not aware of. I must remember that He always does what He says He’s going to do. Just like in the gospel of Mark. Jesus said,”Let us cross to the other side.” When the storm came, and the disciples woke Him, they were fearful of what might happen to them. Jesus rebuked them. He has rebuked me also for just this kind of fear. He tells me one thing, and then when all is not smooth sailing, I want to cry out and ask Him to make it stop! He told the disciples “Let us cross to the other side”. He did not tell them that they would “attempt” to cross to the other side. He did not tell them that they would smoothly sail to the other side. He did not tell them that they would cross to the middle and drown in a violent squall. He simply tells them “Let us cross to the other side.” He tells, we follow. No matter what happens in between, the end result will be the same. If Jesus says we are going to the other side, then we will go to the other side. The circumstances we encounter along the way are not of our concern. I must admit that in the storms of my life, I am guilty of looking skyward and shouting, ”A little help here, please!!” I think that what I may need to do is look skyward and shout, ”Now what?” After all, He tells, I follow. These are His circumstances, and He knows best how to deal with them. He was the one on the boat napping. He was completely at rest. He was unbothered by the wind and unflustered by the waves. I imagine He was getting a bit wet from the spray of the sea, yet He continued His rest. He knew who was in control. He dwelled not on anything else. If my focus is on Christ, I will fear not, and I will always be at rest.

Friday, May 8, 2009

The Vision

"For the vision still has it's time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late."

This verse has brought me great comfort in the long wait to bring our daughter home. I remember the day I first was made aware of this verse. It meant so much to me, and has since been an icon of sorts for me. The words have been encouragement at times, and at other times they have been balm. Sometimes they were miraculous, and other times they seemed impossible to believe. Today they were given a different meaning. Isn't that just like the Bible? It is living and ever able to minister and teach us at every point in our lives.

A few days ago I read a a potent page in my daily devotional. It was asking the question, "What indeed, prevents me from really opening myself to the grace of my baptism and growing in my faith?" Then it went on to answer for me...very accurately I might add.
"FEAR OF LOSING SOME PART OF MY LIFE I BELIEVE IS ESSENTIAL."
Yep. That nailed it!! UGH!! I know I have been holding back from God, by holding on to my daughter who is not yet home. As much as I like to think she is essential to my life and my future happiness, she is not. This is a hard pill for me to swallow. I love her with all of my heart. I have allowed my love for her, my desire for her to be home, to crowd out what is truly essential in my life. Essential for my eternal life, and my life here and now. My true happiness, which is in Jesus Christ alone.
So what does this have to do with the verse above? Well, today I was awakened to a new perspective on the "vision" the verse mentions. No longer a vision of the completion of our adoption, but a much larger vision. A vision where my priorities are God first, God second, and God third, and so on until there is no one but God. He alone is essential. Over and over God must remove the obstacles in our lives that get in the way, and take His place. In the case of our adoption, I think that maybe God sees the withholding of our daughter's homecoming as necessary to bring me fully into the vision He has for me. I can now hear Him say,"For the vision still has it's time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; if it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late."

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Fruits of Our Labor






I was sitting out on the deck last night catching up on reading my devotionals. I believe that some days when I do not get a chance to read my devotionals, it is because they will be best left unread until the time is right for the words that are written to have the most impact. That was most certainly the case last night. It was a peaceful night, the stars twinkling above, peeking at me through the canopy of trees that is above our back deck. I had several candles lit, and the sounds of nature filled the quiet night with peaceful, unobtrusive sound. The temperature could not have been more perfect, and I settled in the chair with the soft glow from the kitchen illuminating the page of my book. As I read the entry for April 26Th, from "Streams in the Desert", I was pulled into understanding of a truth that was elusive.

The glory of tomorrow is rooted in the drudgery of today.

As I looked around at the oasis I had created on my deck (with God's help of course), I was taken back to last week when I worked several hours on my hands and knees scrubbing the deck boards until all of the mold and grime from the past was removed, and only the bare boards remained. I worked tirelessly until all was done. Then I waited for a few days and went back to work painstakingly removing every single piece of debris that was lodged between all 58 cracks between the deck planks. I used a one and a half inch flat putty knife and a rubber mallet to inch my way along the lines until all was clear, and every last piece of broken acorn shell, and every last twig, and every last wayward dried leaf stem was removed and no longer an obstacle to my next step which was staining. I found my brush, and on my hands and knees, started the process of applying the stain that would transform the weathered old boards into a beautiful floor. As I brushed each stroke, and saw the promise of what would be I could not help but allow excitement to quicken the beat of my heart. As I moved along, my daughter Kelly came out to work beside me, and her determination to meet my strokes was heartwarming. She was there beside me to cheer me on, and to do her part and share the burden of the work. Then Wubby returned from the ball fields where he had been umpiring for the past five hours, to change his clothes and pitch in to complete the project. Wow. When we were finished, I could hardly wait for the next day, the 24 hour drying time, to enjoy the fruits of our labor. Kelly and I took what energy we had left and put it into planting the flowers we had purchased earlier that day, so that as soon as the deck was dry, we would be able to assemble our summer oasis. Before starting all of the work, I could only see the drudgery, and hard work that stretched out ahead of me. I knew of the faint glimmer of hope that it would be a wonderful work when finished, but getting to that "wonderful" was going to involve lots of sweat and sore muscles. Drudgery, for sure. This drudgery gave way to the glory of the finished project. No longer just a deck off of the kitchen, but a place of shade and refreshment. A place to lounge, or chat, or read and sip iced tea or coffee. A place where I can gaze around at the colors of summer, and smell the fragrance of flowers in the air. A place to lean back, and to gaze upward at God, and thank Him for the drudgery, and tell Him that I would do it all again, although He already knows that I would.
I cannot help but realize the similarities between this work and the work we have put into bringing our daughter home. At times there has been such drudgery. But I will keep reminding myself, "The glory of tomorrow is rooted in the drudgery of today."

Easter




We grabbed the camera and took a couple of shots before the kiddos changed their clothes. There is even one of me and the Wubby :-) This was the first Easter that our oldest son was not with us. It was very strange and sad and ,well, a milestone of sorts. He is growing up as are all of my children, and I will cherish all the times we do have together. It is a time in my life that I knew would one day come, and as I turn the page in this chapter of my life book, I know I will always go back and re-read my thoughts to remember what details I can of the childhood that I was able to give to my children. My youngest son graduates from high school next month, and I realize that for all of the struggles we all go through as parents, one common goal is to see them through graduating from high school. I feel so blessed to have gotten them this far, and know that it is only by the grace and mercy of God that we are here today. Thank you Jesus for being my constant companion as I mothered these beautiful lives you have given into my care. They are your children, and I ask that you bless them and keep them safe from all harm. Guide them in your ways, and use me in whatever way you need to to accomplish your work in them.
Amen.

Baby Shower


Okay, Okay, I know you all have been faithfully visiting only to find that I was not home. I apologize. I am here now, and will give you some updates on what I have been doing. First of all, a few weeks ago my sweet friend Krissy hosted a baby shower in honor of me and our sweet daughter we continue to wait for, and the proceeds went to Hannah's Hope Guatemala, the orphan care home where our daughter resides. Krissy has such a heart for adoption, and will indeed one day be bringing her very own child home. Did I mention she has four beautiful children already, and her heart is making room for more!! Gotta love her, she is amazing!!
The picture is of the cake that was home made by my friend Jeni, and she even hand made the edible chocolate sea shells on top!! Delicious!! Our theme was "The Starfish Story" , and we had a wonderful turnout!! We collected about $700 in cash, and 50 pounds of relief supplies to be delivered to Hannah's Hope!! Thank you everyone who made this day so very special for me and for the children who make their home at HH, and who depend on the body of Christ, you and me, to provide for their every need.
I love you all so very much.
Peace and Blessings,
Robin

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Longing.....


Good Morning out there!!
I have been trying to update this blog of mine for a few days, and finally have a minute to do so. I will probably need to make two entries, but we'll see ;-)
First of all, I want to put your minds at ease. We have heard absolutely nothing in the past 30 days about our case. Nada. Zip. Our wait continues...
Now on to my title of this post...LONGING. I once read a statement that said, "Stop longing, and start living." Those words meant a lot to me at the time. I took them to heart, and picked myself up off of the floor, and swept the "poor me" attitude out of my head. I started living day by day, in the here and now, keeping my longing at bay. That worked very well for me. It helped me tremendously when I needed to be present in the present.
Then there is the elapsed time...we come to today. Here I am still living in the present( for the most part), very hopeful of the future, and WHAM!!! I was reading a reflection from St. Jude. (I just love St. Jude. He is such a powerful patron saint, and friend of Jesus. I love how he talks with Jesus, and reminds Him of all I keep praying about. You see, I pray, then I put St. Jude on the job of pestering Jesus about answering my prayers. Jesus loves His friend, and will honor that friendship. It is a win/win situation :-) That is my secret!! Oh, of course I always involve The Blessed Mother Mary, too. After all, God the Father told us to "Honor thy Mother and they Father" , so if Mother Mary is asking Jesus to do something, He, as her son, very well cannot refuse to honor her!! I just keep reminding Jesus in my prayers that His Mother needs to talk with Him about me :-)
Anyway...on to what I read today about longing.

Day 29 -- March 25th

We take a moment this twenty-ninth day of Lent to reflect with contrition and resolve:

Accept your longings. Know that the desires of the heart are always with us, and we must learn to live with them in peace. With the changing of the seasons comes renewed hope.

Please send your special intentions for Lent to the National Shrine of St. Jude today.


OK, so now I have to live with my longings, not stop them??? As I reflected on this, I realized that that is just what I am doing. My longing to bring my daughter home is always with me, however, I have learned to live in peace with this longing. Until she is under my roof, I will have this longing. It is not going anywhere. It will one day be replaced with other longings. Not longings for her presence, because she will be here with me, but new longings for the fulfillment of the wonderful life that God has planned for her.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Marching On

Encouragement.
I love to get and give it, so I will share some with you today.

A verse from Hebrews 3:14. We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly til the end the confidence we had at first.

I pondered this over and over. I thought about the confidence I had in the beginning of our adoption process. I had LOADS of it. I started with such a sureness of heart and mind. I JUST KNEW the end result. A negative thought never crossed my mind. Why? Hmmm. I wonder why I felt that way? I answered myself. It was because of my communion with my Lord. He was guiding me. He was showing me the path He wanted me to go. He was dispelling all doubt and fear. WOW!!

What changed? Not my mind. Circumstances? They are always changing, aren't they? True there were ups and downs. There have been delays, and more delays, and obstacles, and shut-downs,and missed milestones and fingerprint renewals, and death itself even touched our lives. What about HIS mind? None of these things have changed His mind either. Did I hear His voice in the beginning? YES I DID! Do I still hear His voice? YES I DO! What do I think He is saying to me right now? He is saying, "The greatest challenge in receiving great things from God is holding on for the last half hour."
I really feel like this is the "last half hour".

I know I have walked the breadth of many valleys during this journey to my daughter. There have been many mountain top experiences too! There have been pictures and videos of the sweetest little girl in Guatemala. There were two times that I treasure the most, the times that I was actually with this precious daughter of mine, and was able to hold her close, and permeate as much love to her as I possible could. That miraculous day last summer when our case worker called to tell us our adoption could continue!! If that wasn't the Lord opening a door someone else tried to close, I don't know what is!! The Lord has been faithful to me. He has never once told me to quit. He has always kept us on track. He has never failed us, not once. My confidence that overflowed in the beginning is back in abundance!! The Lord is faithful, and will complete this wonderful work He has begun.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Week in Review

My Dear Friends,
Thank you for visiting my little corner of the world :-) I must say, that the Lord has been sending me many blessings lately!! Thank you Jesus!!
I have a lot to share with you, so sit back with your favorite beverage and catch up with me as I review the encouragement and power God has shown this past week.

Tuesday, Feb 17th:
From my devotional Streams in the Desert came the words, "Lift up your head and begin praising Him right now for the deliverance that is on its way to you!"
Now, I obeyed this command, and deliverance came the next day!
The reading for the day from Genesis 7:11 ...in the second month, on the 17th day of the month: it was on that day that All the fountains of the great abyss burst forth, and the floodgates of the sky were opened.
Hmmmm, the second month (Feb for us) the 17th day...that is TODAY!! God's word/promise to Noah was fulfilled on this day. I will wait in joyful expectation to see what my Lord is going to do today in my life!

Wednesday, Feb. 18th:
Streams again: Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.(Mark 11:24) Jesus says, "Get up and lets go on to the next thing."
Now, today Wubby and I had a conference call with our lawyer in Guatemala and with our case worker. Basically, the judge in Minor's Court who is handling our case gave permission to our lawyer to submit our request for permission to sign the final adoption decree. This has to be signed by the Mandatory because of our birthmother's untimely death. Judge #2 will review our case a final time, and come back with a decision on whether or not our home is the place Y will spend the rest of her life.
We were told that on average, it takes 1-3 months for a decision to be rendered. We, of course, are praying for a speedy decision if God will permit it:-)
I guess we are "getting up and going on to the next thing."

Thursday Feb 19th:
This is the 6th day of prayer for the St. Jude Novena I am praying. St. Jude has always interceded on my behalf to our Lord Jesus. St. Jude is a very powerful intercessor!! He always brings speedy help. Thank you St. Jude!! Every time I have prayed this novena, we get movement in our case!!

Friday Feb 20th:
A reading for today Psalm 33:11
...the plan of the Lord stands forever.

Saturday Feb. 21st:
From Streams: God's promise is equal to His presence. His purpose in waiting is to receive more glory through it.
My thoughts on this:
The beginning of this adoption was about a desire placed in my heart. That desire, I truly believe, was placed there by God. Then somehow, I took over. It became "my" adoption. I was taking full credit for this. As the months and years have passed, as I have waited for "the vision to have its time", God has humbled me and disciplined me. He has shown me that the only part of this I have had any control over was my "yes" to His calling. After that, no credit is mine. No paper filled out, no fingerprint taken, no overnighted mailings, not the selection of us by our birthmother, not PGN approval, nor even the letter written to the judge. All of these things are the property of my Lord. HE has done a great work. HE has a divine plan that is, well, divine. My part is to be obedient, to say "yes". No credit for me. Don't need it, don't want it, didn't earn it. The credit all goes to Him. This isn't about me. It is all about Him!
Now, the judge that has our file is supposed to be very hard. I smile at that today. Why, you may ask? Because it isn't about her either. The harder she is perceived to be, the more glory my Lord will get when she says "yes"!!

Sunday Feb 22nd:
Streams: ...Everything is possible for him who believes.

Psalm 37:5 "
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this."

My personal prayer today:
Jesus, thank you for my waiting.Thank you for the closeness we share.Thank you for showing me more and more of your heart. Thank you for helping me see you in the details. Thank you for reminding me to share these things with others, so that they may see too, and so that they will seek you in the details of their lives.
Jesus help me as I raise Y. Help me to be the best mother to her that I can be. Be my guide and my strength as she grows up and develops her relationship of love and trust in you. Help me to show her how much she can depend upon you to answer all of the questions she may have. Help me to bring her to you, where she will find love, peace, comfort, wisdom, healing, and so many other graces that you have waiting for her. We are all so blessed to have such a loving, caring, personal God. You care about every detail, and I am humbled by the fact that you care so much for me.I love you Jesus. Amen.

Monday Feb. 23rd:
Today the paperwork will be submitted to Judge #2 in Minor's Court. My vision for our lawyer is of her surrounded by a legion of angels. They are protecting her, and the very important paperwork she carries. Her path will be straight and not a single pebble will cause her to stumble. Not a single obstacle will cause her to delay. The judge in Minor's Court is waiting...the Judge of Heaven and Earth is in control. "Lord, your will be done."

Streams: And there came a lion.
Every difficulty and temptation that comes our way, if we receive it correctly, is God's opportunity.
This passage reminded me of Daniel and the lion's den. Very significant to me today because of Y's middle name....cryptic I know :-) God protected Daniel, and shut the mouths of the lions. He will do the same for the lion's who prowl around ready to devour Y!!!

Tuesday Feb. 24th:
Psalm 37:4 Find your delight in the Lord who will give you your heart's desires.
A reflection on this verse from the Living Faith magazine: God never forgets the desires of our heart; after all, He put them there in the first place.
Mark 9:37
"Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but the One who sent me."

Just wanted to share a tidbit of encouragement I got today. Wubby, Summer Rain, and I were discussing Y's name last night and the ability to pronounce it correctly and pronounce it the same every time we say it. We really don't do this very well. So we thought about others, and her life here with a name that no one will have an easy time with. We don't want her to experience that stress. So, we were talking about her middle name. Pretty easy to pronounce and pretty much everyone will get it right. No stress! We can still keep the name her birthmother gave her, but use her middle name. My oldest son goes by his middle name, so she won't be the only one in the family that does this. Now for the encouragement part... I was praying on and off today about "Judge #2" and our case. For some reason I felt the need to look up this new name we might be calling Y by. I searched name meanings and there in black and white were the words: ******* means God is my judge. Sorry Judge #2, but there is another Judge, THE Judge, that will be handling our case!

Wednesday Feb. 25th:
2Corinthians 5:20-6:2:
...Working together, then, we appeal to you not to receive the Grace of God in vain. For He says,"In an acceptable time I heard you, and on the day of salvation I helped you." Behold, now is a very acceptable time; behold, now is the day of salvation.

I am pondering these words, and wondering what my Lord is doing now!!

I received an e-mail from my case worker. Our paperwork got submitted on Monday as it was supposed to!! YEAH!!

Well,
I hope you were able to "stay awake" with me for this hour :-)
Peace and Blessing be with you all

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Growing up too fast!


This picture of Summer Rain was taken the night of the Indian Princess father/daughter dance last Friday night(before she left). She was so lovely in her pink dress! I cannot believe how big she is getting to be. It seems like only yesterday my baby was a baby!! She had fun wearing "real" lipstick and dancing the night away with her Dadda.
Ahh, these moments are priceless:-)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

My Angel

Good afternoon! I am finally able to sit for a moment and write about my trip home. Friday morning was pretty much as usual, with the exception of the gnawing feeling in my gut that I had to leave Guatemala that day...and without my sweet Y! I kept tears at bay by busying myself in the mundane tasks before me such as re-packing all of the things I had unpacked, and preparing for travel. Suitcases:CHECK! Carry-on bag: CHECK! Passport:CHECK! Itinerary:CHECK! Daughter:Oh no....hear come the tears:-(
Ah well, I am sure you can imagine my sadness that day.
On the way home, during the first leg of the trip,on the plane, I was seated next to a young gentleman who spoke no English. I think it prudent to tell you all that for days before traveling, I prayed for this individual. Not for this particular man, because I do not know him, but for the person who would get the "duty" of sitting beside me on the plane ride home after having to leave my daughter there. This young man was the perfect stranger. He spoke not a word, just smiled when appropriate, and never as much as brushed my elbow during the whole flight. I thought I would want to talk the whole way back, but I didn't, and so he really was just what I needed. When the flight was almost over, and as I was contemplating my week with Y, I kept talking with God about His message to me. I just KNEW He was going to tell me some very important message on this trip. I had expected it. I had waited for it. Nothing. Silence. Now, don't misunderstand. I loved every minute of my time with Y. I believe with my whole heart that I was supposed to be with her that week, and that I was supposed to be alone on this trip.But I ALSO believed He would send me news. Something. Hmmmmm. I asked God,"What's up with not giving me a message?" As I pondered this question, I noticed movement in the stranger next to me. He pulled out a very small, black leather covered miniature Bible. I took a closer look. Yes, it was indeed a Bible. Very tiny, but a Bible none the less. The red satin ribbon that was attached at the spine was shredded from use, and the pages were flared from many a fingers flipping through the well read pages. The stranger rested his hands, and found the place he wanted to read from. That was when I noticed the title of the book from which he read! I was in shock. I barely breathed. My mouth dropped open, and my eyes teared up. My hand took on a life of its own as I reached across him to touch the book title, and the very chapter and verse that I recognized from many a time reading and re-reading it to give myself and others comfort and encouragement. It was the very place that every morning I would flip to in my own Bible at home. It was marked in my Bible with a very favorite bookmark. It was Habakkuk 2:3 "For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late."
The word angel means messenger of God. This angel was sent to sit by me and deliver the very words of God from God's own book, to me. When we exited the plane, the man disappeared. I did not see him in line at immigration. I did not see him in line at customs. I saw everyone else from the plane, but not him.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Firsts, Lasts, and Breakthroughs

Well, here I am again updating you all on this adventure I am on. Today has been filled with wonder and sadness. Lets talk about the wonder!! Firsts today: Y spoke a few words in English! They were purple, light, cat, and playdoh. She didn't want to leave my room when it was time for our one on one to be over. SHE wanted ME to hold her hand going down the stairs after eating dinner. Lasts: I kissed her goodnight for the last time this week. I rocked her for the last time this week. I had her all alone for the last time this week. I put on her pajamas for the last time this week. I played with her hair..well, I will get to do that a little tomorrow.
OK. Now I must tell you about the breakthroughs. Of course one was when she wanted me to hold her hand going down stairs. Another is her not wanting to leave my room to go back to hers. The other I must tell the whole story.
After Y's bath tonight, I put her into her crib with a bottle. She drinks the bottle and when she is done, she gives it to me to put away...this is just the way they do things. I held out my hands to her and asked her if she wanted to rock with me while she took her bottle. She said no, so I leaned over the crib as she drank and caressed her head and hair as I looked into her eyes as much as she would connect, then I just sat in the rocking chair next to her crib and smiled at her. She finished her bottle and stood up to give it to me. I took it and put it in the bin. She held up her arms to get out, and I thought she wanted to rock. I got her out, and she wanted to just get down. I let her get down and she ran about for a little while until it was time for bed. At that time, I scooped her up and asked her again if she wanted to rock...can you see how much I wanted to rock her??? She said No, and so I put her in her crib. She ran as far away from me as she could, to the far corner of her crib. She had the best pouty face on!! I had to turn away to keep from smiling at her. As I sat there and rocked myself, I wasn't about to leave yet, the little girl in the crib opposite of Y started to take off her pajama bottoms. I called to her and told her not to take off her clothes. Well, when Y heard me she started to take off her top. She was struggling with the first sleeve when I caught her. I said No. No take off your pajamas, Y. No. She looked at me and pouted out that lip and said NO! I just gave her that Momma said no look that we all have, and she immediately started putting her hand back through the sleeve. I praised her, smiled at her and said Mui Bien Y. She immediately ran over to my side of her crib, I held out my hands to her as I was still sitting down, and she grabbed my right hand, squeezing it tight, brought it to her sweet face and laid her head in my palm. She smiled into my eyes. She was so happy to please her momma! She knew I loved her, and she didn't want to jeopardize that love. I cried instantly! Then the little precious daughter of mine held out her tiny arms to me. I picked her up, and sat down in the rocking chair. So soon, she was fast asleep against my chest. I cried silent tears so as not to wake her. They streamed down my cheeks. She knows I am her momma. God is good! I gently laid her in her crib, and was walking out of the room. The little boy in the crib next to hers reached through the slats and pulled her hair just enough to wake her up. She looked around and gave a whimper. The special mother there told her that I was leaving, and Y cried for me to come back. I practically ran over to her with a big smile on my face. After all,my daughter needed me. As soon as she saw me, she whined no more, and I reached in to her crib and petted her and ran my fingers through her hair until she was content. I kissed her goodnight. It was the best ending today could have ever had.

Thursday Already???

Hola my friends!
I am still here enjoying this lovely time. I wish you were all here with me. You see, there are so many children to hold and to love that it seems impossible for me to get to every one enough times in a day. My heart bleeds for these little ones who may never have homes of their own. Their eyes cry out for attention and their arms reach high for someone to pick them up. The reward? Lets just say that I have seen the face of God and lived! These children are the very face of God. No doubt about it.
My little sweetie is a wonder. She is so very smart and independent. She doesn't like to rely on anyone. She does ask for help if she cannot do the task, but she never asks before trying hard for herself first.I love the way she holds up her hands in the air about to the level of her ears and says,"TAH" when she does something. We say Ta-Da. When she wants to show me she has finished the bite she has in her mouth she opens wide and shows me it is all gone!! Like my sweet Summer Rain, Y also pays very close attention to details. Nothing gets past her eyes!!LOL! She loves to jump and run and ride and play ball. Not a girly girl this one. Oh so beautiful!! The Wubby will have his hands full with his two daughters when they start to date!!LOL!!
My days are filled with her smile and my nights are filled with longing to bring her home. It feels so right to be here with her, yet it feels so wrong to leave without her. She will come bravely one day, but we will have a long road to build trust. She is old enough now, that she has seen so many of her little friends leave, and not come back. That is good for them, but for Y it seems a terrible thing. She has a good life here, but she needs a family and a home of her own. She doesn't understand that she will have an even more wonderful life when she comes to our family. Here she has nothing that is hers. There is no ownership of anything. Not a single toy, not a single shirt, not a shoe nor a sock. Most importantly, not a mother or a father. The Special Mothers here are incredible women. They truly are, but they are not the mothers of these little ones, they share their love while they are here, but they go home to families, and someone else steps in. Y doesn't realize that these women are not hers. I am hers. One day she will know that, and so much more. I will have to sit with her for many nights and comfort her. We have to build our relationship. I will tell her all about her life here, and her birthmother. I will see saddness beyond belief in her eyes, and it will be my job to help her deal with all of her pain. I cannot erase what has been, but I can assure her of comfort, understanding, and love. I know I can count on our Father to lead me in the way to reach out to Y and help her. He knows the secret to unlocking her trust. He will whisper that way to me. I am counting on it!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

24 Hours

Hola my blogging friends!
I hope you are all having a great day! The weather is very nice here in Guatemala. I will miss it when I go home on Friday.
Let me see. Yesterday was very exhausting. I hardly slept a wink Sunday night...imagine that!!LOL! A very chatty gentleman on the first leg of the trip meant no nap for me. I did catch a few winks between Atlanta and here. As soon as I got to Hannah's Hope, I went straight for my little sweetie. Ahhhhh! She is more precious than all of her pictures. She is such a tiny thing. Very bright and very curious. She saw me and put out that little pouty lip, but did not cry a tear. I was so proud of her courage. After about 20 minutes, she was playing with me. Funny, but a pack of tissues broke the ice. I pulled them out of my purse to wipe her nose, and she held out her little hand for them. I gave them to her, and the rest was tissue history!LOL! She wiped my nose, she wiped her nose, she tore bits and pieces off, and we rolled them up and blew them in to the air. That was when I was rewarded with the deep belly laughs that warmed my heart and soul!! Laughter is laughter in any language!!
I really didn't want to put her down last night. We had connected a bit, and I knew we would have to start all over again in the morning. I was right. Oh she remembered me this morning as I walked into her bedroom. I flashed her a big smile and she screamed at the top of her lungs! So much for progress! I had my work cut out for me. She is VERY attached to her special mothers, and that is truly a great thing. It means good things down the road as far as attachment to us goes. But for now, it sure hurts my heart to see fear and untrust in her eyes when she looks at me. Anyway, I had a distraction. The little boy in the crib next to hers was chomping at the bit for me to pick him up...arms reaching out and the whole bit!! Go figure!! So I stayed in the room, and play with him and the other little girl in the thrid crib. They both wanted to be held and cuddled and played with. Finally Y laughed and joined in, but she still wasn't too sure she was going to let me hold her. I took three of them up the stairs, all very good stair climbers, and to breakfast at their little table. They had french toast. Y doesn't eat very fast, but she did eat it all. We played with a purse and some stickers, and then it was her bath time. I played with her during her bath, and then took her over to the guesthouse for some one on one. She had that same scared look, but soon was ok as I picked her out a new outfit to wear, and gave her some new toys. I had brought bribes, you see, to make her want to play with me!!LOL! She is very smart! She let me cuddle her and read to her and most importantly, I just got to sit back and enjoy watching her play. I tell ya, when she looks up from what she is concentrating on, and flashes you a genuine smile.....your heart just melts away! Her eyes sparkle all the way to her soul!
Well, she is napping right now. I will go pick her up in a bit. I am sure I will have to start all over again to win her back into my arms. It is SO worth it!
Adios and keep praying for good news while I am here!

Saturday, January 31, 2009

What to pack??

Good morning my friendly blog people! I love that anyone reads this crazy stuff that pours forth from my fingertips onto the keyboard, and eventually ends up "out there"!! (Obviously I am not very technical...:-)
Okay, I am leaving in less than 48 hours to fly to Guatemala(alone) to see my toddler daughter . I think I have everything I need. I have clothes to wear, toiletries small enough to please the airport people, and even a whole slew of donations for Hannah's Hope (the orphan care home where our daughter lives). I also am bringing new clothes for my little sweetie, and new shoes, and toys, and a toothbrush, and Gerber Puffs(as a bribe to get her to play with me!!LOL!)I hope it works!
As I have been collecting all of the necessary things to take, I have been reflecting on the trip itself. It has reminded me of a story I read in school a long time ago. It was called "All Summer in a Day". That story has stuck with me for quite a long time. The connection? Well, in the story, the people live on the planet Venus, and the sun only comes out for an hour every 7 years. That is how I feel about this time I have been gifted with. I will spend an actual week, yet a lifetime, with my daughter. I will soak in her light every second that I am with her. I will bask in the warmth of our embraces. I will delight in the seemingly stolen moments that will be ours. I do not know when we will be together again, so I must treasure this very special time. I must look deep into her eyes with the "I love you" look, in hopes that she will see and remember. I must be very careful not to let the memories fade from my mind, or let any time escape while I am there without filling it with much meaning. I have been gifted with this time. I will slowly unwrap this precious gift, and give thanks to my God for allowing me to have it. God is good...all the time:-)

Friday, January 16, 2009

2009

Happy New Year everyone!
I think it is about time to update this old blog of mine. Well, Christmas was wonderful, albeit a bit sad missing our sweet Guatemalan princess. The lack of her presence was magnified by her stocking hanging quietly without little hands reaching for it to see what prizes were inside. Her little gift nestled under the tree, and no big brown eyes searching for it. Finally, when all else was opened, and the floor littered with discarded wrapping paper, her brightly wrapped gift called to our hearts. Summer Rain asked if she could open the gifts for Y. She sweetly unwrapped, and emptied the stocking as we all sighed at the heart-wrenching reality that Y was not present for her presents.
Then came her birthday. We had a little cake and placed her picture beside it for a picture of her with her cake. We sang "Happy Birthday" and Summer Rain blew out the two pink candles shining brightly in the darkened room. I don't know what Y wished for that day, or even if Summer Rain wished something for her, but I know I wished for a whole lot on those two little candles!! One wish is coming true very soon!! I asked permission to go on a visit trip to Guatemala the first week in February. My wish was granted!!! I will be there for a whole week! Just me. Just my girl. I cannot wait to hold her tight! It will be heartbreaking leaving on Friday to come home without her. I am trusting the Lord to get me through that....and asking that He place just the right person next to me on the plane coming home!!LOL!
We have heard no new news as of yet. I am waiting in expectant hope for news soon!!
I cannot wait to post all about my visit trip. It will be so good to be at HH again. I will be staying in their guesthouse, and so I can spend lots of time with Y.
Jesus keeps calling back to me, and telling me to keep going. Without Him, I would be nothing. He has had to pick me up from the floor, dust me off, and remind me that anxiety is about lack of faith. I have learned more this year about my faith than I can even comprehend. The lessons have been "tough-love". "Thank you Jesus for caring enough about me to show me myself." I needed it! Didn't ask for, didn't particularly want it, but I needed it!
That is all for now. I will try to write more later:-)
Peace and Blessings to all!