Growing up too fast!

This picture of Summer Rain was taken the night of the Indian Princess father/daughter dance last Friday night(before she left). She was so lovely in her pink dress! I cannot believe how big she is getting to be. It seems like only yesterday my baby was a baby!! She had fun wearing "real" lipstick and dancing the night away with her Dadda.
Ahh, these moments are priceless:-)

My Angel

Good afternoon! I am finally able to sit for a moment and write about my trip home. Friday morning was pretty much as usual, with the exception of the gnawing feeling in my gut that I had to leave Guatemala that day...and without my sweet Y! I kept tears at bay by busying myself in the mundane tasks before me such as re-packing all of the things I had unpacked, and preparing for travel. Suitcases:CHECK! Carry-on bag: CHECK! Passport:CHECK! Itinerary:CHECK! Daughter:Oh no....hear come the tears:-(
Ah well, I am sure you can imagine my sadness that day.
On the way home, during the first leg of the trip,on the plane, I was seated next to a young gentleman who spoke no English. I think it prudent to tell you all that for days before traveling, I prayed for this individual. Not for this particular man, because I do not know him, but for the person who would get the "duty" of sitting beside me on the plane ride home after having to leave my daughter there. This young man was the perfect stranger. He spoke not a word, just smiled when appropriate, and never as much as brushed my elbow during the whole flight. I thought I would want to talk the whole way back, but I didn't, and so he really was just what I needed. When the flight was almost over, and as I was contemplating my week with Y, I kept talking with God about His message to me. I just KNEW He was going to tell me some very important message on this trip. I had expected it. I had waited for it. Nothing. Silence. Now, don't misunderstand. I loved every minute of my time with Y. I believe with my whole heart that I was supposed to be with her that week, and that I was supposed to be alone on this trip.But I ALSO believed He would send me news. Something. Hmmmmm. I asked God,"What's up with not giving me a message?" As I pondered this question, I noticed movement in the stranger next to me. He pulled out a very small, black leather covered miniature Bible. I took a closer look. Yes, it was indeed a Bible. Very tiny, but a Bible none the less. The red satin ribbon that was attached at the spine was shredded from use, and the pages were flared from many a fingers flipping through the well read pages. The stranger rested his hands, and found the place he wanted to read from. That was when I noticed the title of the book from which he read! I was in shock. I barely breathed. My mouth dropped open, and my eyes teared up. My hand took on a life of its own as I reached across him to touch the book title, and the very chapter and verse that I recognized from many a time reading and re-reading it to give myself and others comfort and encouragement. It was the very place that every morning I would flip to in my own Bible at home. It was marked in my Bible with a very favorite bookmark. It was Habakkuk 2:3 "For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late."
The word angel means messenger of God. This angel was sent to sit by me and deliver the very words of God from God's own book, to me. When we exited the plane, the man disappeared. I did not see him in line at immigration. I did not see him in line at customs. I saw everyone else from the plane, but not him.

Firsts, Lasts, and Breakthroughs

Well, here I am again updating you all on this adventure I am on. Today has been filled with wonder and sadness. Lets talk about the wonder!! Firsts today: Y spoke a few words in English! They were purple, light, cat, and playdoh. She didn't want to leave my room when it was time for our one on one to be over. SHE wanted ME to hold her hand going down the stairs after eating dinner. Lasts: I kissed her goodnight for the last time this week. I rocked her for the last time this week. I had her all alone for the last time this week. I put on her pajamas for the last time this week. I played with her hair..well, I will get to do that a little tomorrow.
OK. Now I must tell you about the breakthroughs. Of course one was when she wanted me to hold her hand going down stairs. Another is her not wanting to leave my room to go back to hers. The other I must tell the whole story.
After Y's bath tonight, I put her into her crib with a bottle. She drinks the bottle and when she is done, she gives it to me to put away...this is just the way they do things. I held out my hands to her and asked her if she wanted to rock with me while she took her bottle. She said no, so I leaned over the crib as she drank and caressed her head and hair as I looked into her eyes as much as she would connect, then I just sat in the rocking chair next to her crib and smiled at her. She finished her bottle and stood up to give it to me. I took it and put it in the bin. She held up her arms to get out, and I thought she wanted to rock. I got her out, and she wanted to just get down. I let her get down and she ran about for a little while until it was time for bed. At that time, I scooped her up and asked her again if she wanted to rock...can you see how much I wanted to rock her??? She said No, and so I put her in her crib. She ran as far away from me as she could, to the far corner of her crib. She had the best pouty face on!! I had to turn away to keep from smiling at her. As I sat there and rocked myself, I wasn't about to leave yet, the little girl in the crib opposite of Y started to take off her pajama bottoms. I called to her and told her not to take off her clothes. Well, when Y heard me she started to take off her top. She was struggling with the first sleeve when I caught her. I said No. No take off your pajamas, Y. No. She looked at me and pouted out that lip and said NO! I just gave her that Momma said no look that we all have, and she immediately started putting her hand back through the sleeve. I praised her, smiled at her and said Mui Bien Y. She immediately ran over to my side of her crib, I held out my hands to her as I was still sitting down, and she grabbed my right hand, squeezing it tight, brought it to her sweet face and laid her head in my palm. She smiled into my eyes. She was so happy to please her momma! She knew I loved her, and she didn't want to jeopardize that love. I cried instantly! Then the little precious daughter of mine held out her tiny arms to me. I picked her up, and sat down in the rocking chair. So soon, she was fast asleep against my chest. I cried silent tears so as not to wake her. They streamed down my cheeks. She knows I am her momma. God is good! I gently laid her in her crib, and was walking out of the room. The little boy in the crib next to hers reached through the slats and pulled her hair just enough to wake her up. She looked around and gave a whimper. The special mother there told her that I was leaving, and Y cried for me to come back. I practically ran over to her with a big smile on my face. After all,my daughter needed me. As soon as she saw me, she whined no more, and I reached in to her crib and petted her and ran my fingers through her hair until she was content. I kissed her goodnight. It was the best ending today could have ever had.

Thursday Already???

Hola my friends!
I am still here enjoying this lovely time. I wish you were all here with me. You see, there are so many children to hold and to love that it seems impossible for me to get to every one enough times in a day. My heart bleeds for these little ones who may never have homes of their own. Their eyes cry out for attention and their arms reach high for someone to pick them up. The reward? Lets just say that I have seen the face of God and lived! These children are the very face of God. No doubt about it.
My little sweetie is a wonder. She is so very smart and independent. She doesn't like to rely on anyone. She does ask for help if she cannot do the task, but she never asks before trying hard for herself first.I love the way she holds up her hands in the air about to the level of her ears and says,"TAH" when she does something. We say Ta-Da. When she wants to show me she has finished the bite she has in her mouth she opens wide and shows me it is all gone!! Like my sweet Summer Rain, Y also pays very close attention to details. Nothing gets past her eyes!!LOL! She loves to jump and run and ride and play ball. Not a girly girl this one. Oh so beautiful!! The Wubby will have his hands full with his two daughters when they start to date!!LOL!!
My days are filled with her smile and my nights are filled with longing to bring her home. It feels so right to be here with her, yet it feels so wrong to leave without her. She will come bravely one day, but we will have a long road to build trust. She is old enough now, that she has seen so many of her little friends leave, and not come back. That is good for them, but for Y it seems a terrible thing. She has a good life here, but she needs a family and a home of her own. She doesn't understand that she will have an even more wonderful life when she comes to our family. Here she has nothing that is hers. There is no ownership of anything. Not a single toy, not a single shirt, not a shoe nor a sock. Most importantly, not a mother or a father. The Special Mothers here are incredible women. They truly are, but they are not the mothers of these little ones, they share their love while they are here, but they go home to families, and someone else steps in. Y doesn't realize that these women are not hers. I am hers. One day she will know that, and so much more. I will have to sit with her for many nights and comfort her. We have to build our relationship. I will tell her all about her life here, and her birthmother. I will see saddness beyond belief in her eyes, and it will be my job to help her deal with all of her pain. I cannot erase what has been, but I can assure her of comfort, understanding, and love. I know I can count on our Father to lead me in the way to reach out to Y and help her. He knows the secret to unlocking her trust. He will whisper that way to me. I am counting on it!

24 Hours

Hola my blogging friends!
I hope you are all having a great day! The weather is very nice here in Guatemala. I will miss it when I go home on Friday.
Let me see. Yesterday was very exhausting. I hardly slept a wink Sunday night...imagine that!!LOL! A very chatty gentleman on the first leg of the trip meant no nap for me. I did catch a few winks between Atlanta and here. As soon as I got to Hannah's Hope, I went straight for my little sweetie. Ahhhhh! She is more precious than all of her pictures. She is such a tiny thing. Very bright and very curious. She saw me and put out that little pouty lip, but did not cry a tear. I was so proud of her courage. After about 20 minutes, she was playing with me. Funny, but a pack of tissues broke the ice. I pulled them out of my purse to wipe her nose, and she held out her little hand for them. I gave them to her, and the rest was tissue history!LOL! She wiped my nose, she wiped her nose, she tore bits and pieces off, and we rolled them up and blew them in to the air. That was when I was rewarded with the deep belly laughs that warmed my heart and soul!! Laughter is laughter in any language!!
I really didn't want to put her down last night. We had connected a bit, and I knew we would have to start all over again in the morning. I was right. Oh she remembered me this morning as I walked into her bedroom. I flashed her a big smile and she screamed at the top of her lungs! So much for progress! I had my work cut out for me. She is VERY attached to her special mothers, and that is truly a great thing. It means good things down the road as far as attachment to us goes. But for now, it sure hurts my heart to see fear and untrust in her eyes when she looks at me. Anyway, I had a distraction. The little boy in the crib next to hers was chomping at the bit for me to pick him up...arms reaching out and the whole bit!! Go figure!! So I stayed in the room, and play with him and the other little girl in the thrid crib. They both wanted to be held and cuddled and played with. Finally Y laughed and joined in, but she still wasn't too sure she was going to let me hold her. I took three of them up the stairs, all very good stair climbers, and to breakfast at their little table. They had french toast. Y doesn't eat very fast, but she did eat it all. We played with a purse and some stickers, and then it was her bath time. I played with her during her bath, and then took her over to the guesthouse for some one on one. She had that same scared look, but soon was ok as I picked her out a new outfit to wear, and gave her some new toys. I had brought bribes, you see, to make her want to play with me!!LOL! She is very smart! She let me cuddle her and read to her and most importantly, I just got to sit back and enjoy watching her play. I tell ya, when she looks up from what she is concentrating on, and flashes you a genuine smile.....your heart just melts away! Her eyes sparkle all the way to her soul!
Well, she is napping right now. I will go pick her up in a bit. I am sure I will have to start all over again to win her back into my arms. It is SO worth it!
Adios and keep praying for good news while I am here!

What to pack??

Good morning my friendly blog people! I love that anyone reads this crazy stuff that pours forth from my fingertips onto the keyboard, and eventually ends up "out there"!! (Obviously I am not very technical...:-)
Okay, I am leaving in less than 48 hours to fly to Guatemala(alone) to see my toddler daughter . I think I have everything I need. I have clothes to wear, toiletries small enough to please the airport people, and even a whole slew of donations for Hannah's Hope (the orphan care home where our daughter lives). I also am bringing new clothes for my little sweetie, and new shoes, and toys, and a toothbrush, and Gerber Puffs(as a bribe to get her to play with me!!LOL!)I hope it works!
As I have been collecting all of the necessary things to take, I have been reflecting on the trip itself. It has reminded me of a story I read in school a long time ago. It was called "All Summer in a Day". That story has stuck with me for quite a long time. The connection? Well, in the story, the people live on the planet Venus, and the sun only comes out for an hour every 7 years. That is how I feel about this time I have been gifted with. I will spend an actual week, yet a lifetime, with my daughter. I will soak in her light every second that I am with her. I will bask in the warmth of our embraces. I will delight in the seemingly stolen moments that will be ours. I do not know when we will be together again, so I must treasure this very special time. I must look deep into her eyes with the "I love you" look, in hopes that she will see and remember. I must be very careful not to let the memories fade from my mind, or let any time escape while I am there without filling it with much meaning. I have been gifted with this time. I will slowly unwrap this precious gift, and give thanks to my God for allowing me to have it. God is good...all the time:-)

2009

Happy New Year everyone!
I think it is about time to update this old blog of mine. Well, Christmas was wonderful, albeit a bit sad missing our sweet Guatemalan princess. The lack of her presence was magnified by her stocking hanging quietly without little hands reaching for it to see what prizes were inside. Her little gift nestled under the tree, and no big brown eyes searching for it. Finally, when all else was opened, and the floor littered with discarded wrapping paper, her brightly wrapped gift called to our hearts. Summer Rain asked if she could open the gifts for Y. She sweetly unwrapped, and emptied the stocking as we all sighed at the heart-wrenching reality that Y was not present for her presents.
Then came her birthday. We had a little cake and placed her picture beside it for a picture of her with her cake. We sang "Happy Birthday" and Summer Rain blew out the two pink candles shining brightly in the darkened room. I don't know what Y wished for that day, or even if Summer Rain wished something for her, but I know I wished for a whole lot on those two little candles!! One wish is coming true very soon!! I asked permission to go on a visit trip to Guatemala the first week in February. My wish was granted!!! I will be there for a whole week! Just me. Just my girl. I cannot wait to hold her tight! It will be heartbreaking leaving on Friday to come home without her. I am trusting the Lord to get me through that....and asking that He place just the right person next to me on the plane coming home!!LOL!
We have heard no new news as of yet. I am waiting in expectant hope for news soon!!
I cannot wait to post all about my visit trip. It will be so good to be at HH again. I will be staying in their guesthouse, and so I can spend lots of time with Y.
Jesus keeps calling back to me, and telling me to keep going. Without Him, I would be nothing. He has had to pick me up from the floor, dust me off, and remind me that anxiety is about lack of faith. I have learned more this year about my faith than I can even comprehend. The lessons have been "tough-love". "Thank you Jesus for caring enough about me to show me myself." I needed it! Didn't ask for, didn't particularly want it, but I needed it!
That is all for now. I will try to write more later:-)
Peace and Blessings to all!